Guards down, goals achieved: reflections on my 3 months abroad and other things.

Today marks 4 weeks back in Los Angeles after spending 3 months abroad. It's been a whirlwind, these four weeks. From the day I landed when I released the new Beating Lights website, I've been sprinting faster than I was before I left. Adrenaline racing, heart beating, passion still intact.

I've been emailing and plotting the next few months, booking photo shoots, going to shows, hanging out with friends, going to work, and I haven't had much of a chance to get on here and reflect out loud in writing on the internet about those 3 months I was away. Everything feels so normal being back that it's almost easy to forget I went 90 whole days without seeing my friends, taking the bus to Echo Park every other day or sleeping in my bed. 

But every day, I'm still thinking about it all. Thinking about who I was before I left, the experiences I had, the emotions I felt when I was there, and what it's like now being back. I've become really good at analyzing life in real time, and as my days go by I'm very aware of the things I am saying or feeling now that I wasn't before. It's  a weird feeling, because I'm back exactly where I was before, same bus stops, same shotgun seats, same job, same friends, same email address, but everything feels different now.

Everything feels brand new. My friendships feel stronger, more heated somehow, I'm more inspired in my photography, I'm invigorated with new intentions for Beating Lights, and most importantly though, I feel new. I left hoping to figure out how to break down my guards, put myself out there and shrug away the walls that were holding certain parts of me back: the parts that told me I wasn't good enough, or pretty enough, I didn't know enough about music, I didn't have enough friends who cared, I wasn't great at anything, I was just alright.  So while I was away, I forced myself to be that person I wanted to be, and I think it was that simple. I decided I didn't want to feel those feelings anymore, so I found a way to keep moving forward and upward, until here I am today where I don't feel those guards anymore.

It's all easier too when traveling, because you literally are moving on and through cities and people with every day. You can't cling on and wallow on the past. Every second spent on feeling down about what's been said or done is another second of your current moment wasted. The only thing I can do is cherish the past for what it was (or realize it wasn't anything at all) and keep moving forward.

So that's why I feel better now. The time away made me all that much fonder and more  in love with what I do and the friends I'm doing it all with, and in the process I found the time to realize I quite like myself too, if I may say so myself. So all that fuzzy nonsense that was brining me down, holding me back, and making me want to puke every now and then, it's all a waste of my time. I'd rather re-focus my energy on the good stuff. And in refocusing, remember that most often Ive got nothing to lose except time, so  even if I'm not sure, even if I have no clue what to do or how to do it, I'm going to go for it. If I do something wrong, someone can let me know. :)

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